It's less sappy b/c I left out a hundred words of OTT sap at the end.
As soon as the thought came to him, he knew exactly how long he could take it. “I’ll take whatever you can give for as long as you can give it. I won’t ask for a fraction or a second more.” (This doesn't sound like Jack to me. The sentiment's okay, but the words are wrong)
“Yes you will,” Daniel breathed into his left ear, “And you’ll deserve it.”
“No, there are no guarantees in life and even less for us. If there were no wife or military between us, we’d still have no promise of eternity. Nothing is forever.” (see above note)
Daniel reached one hand down to lace with Jack’s and let the other splay across the other man’s pounding heart. “Some things are.”
I do want to find the 'happy' ending here, and I don't know how. I don't want Jack to feel like a consolation prize when Sha're dies, and I'm not sure that there's a way to avoid that. Maybe this one doesn't get the neat ending with a shiny feel-good bow on top; that would explain why I can't seem to finish it.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2009-05-03 05:23 am (UTC)It's less sappy b/c I left out a hundred words of OTT sap at the end.
As soon as the thought came to him, he knew exactly how long he could take it. “I’ll take whatever you can give for as long as you can give it. I won’t ask for a fraction or a second more.” (This doesn't sound like Jack to me. The sentiment's okay, but the words are wrong)
“Yes you will,” Daniel breathed into his left ear, “And you’ll deserve it.”
“No, there are no guarantees in life and even less for us. If there were no wife or military between us, we’d still have no promise of eternity. Nothing is forever.” (see above note)
Daniel reached one hand down to lace with Jack’s and let the other splay across the other man’s pounding heart. “Some things are.”
I do want to find the 'happy' ending here, and I don't know how. I don't want Jack to feel like a consolation prize when Sha're dies, and I'm not sure that there's a way to avoid that. Maybe this one doesn't get the neat ending with a shiny feel-good bow on top; that would explain why I can't seem to finish it.