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lilyleia78Title: Sharp Sorrow, Painful Regret
Fandom: House
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship/pre-slash
Rating: PG for a couple naughty words
Summary: sometimes Wilson thought he’d never feel truly level again.
Note: Here's the second Wilson's Heart tag the evil plot bunnies gave me. The title is the definition of grief according to Dictionary.com
Sharp Sorrow, Painful Regret
Stage One: Denial
The part of Wilson that could observe his emotions with detachment was utterly surprised at the form his first step of grief had taken. As a doctor, Wilson would have expected (as if one could ever expect such a thing) that he would skip denial altogether. Instead, his brain reached for the oldest cliché in the book.
He - no it, his stupid brain - thought this must all be some elaborate joke that House and Amber were pulling on him. Or maybe they really were having an affair, and this was their cover. But that was just a knee-jerk reaction, and he quickly got past it. Selfish and thoughtless though they were, it wasn’t really possible that the two people he cared for most in the world would be so deliberately cruel. Not to him anyway.
And then there was the fact of his profession. He couldn’t possibly misdiagnose death. And on the off-chance that he might, there was always a second opinion from the genius in the office next door.
The option of denying death yanked away so cleanly, Wilson focused on denying other things. He denied repeatedly - to Cuddy and Henry, to Cameron and Chase, to Foreman and Taub, and to Thirteen and Kutner - that he was avoiding his best friend. He couldn’t deny it to the man himself, because he never saw House. He told himself that it wasn’t avoidance: he was just very busy. There were lots of things he was dealing with, like Amber’s affairs, moving, and watching over House’s care from afar.
The stupidity of that thought led Wilson to his first breakthrough; he’d been in denial about his anger toward House. His therapist would be so proud.
Stage Two: Anger
Anger was much more fun. There was no room for pain or regret with all-consuming anger running the show. He almost relished the chance to tell off the first person who tried to talk to him about his House avoidance. He stayed up at night rehearsing his outburst. He hoped it was Cuddy who approached him, maybe she would fire him and he could walk away from his life. There wasn’t much about it he wanted anymore anyway.
Of course, Cameron was probably a slightly more likely candidate. Her relationship with Chase (the poor bastard) not withstanding, her feelings for House were probably going to override her commonsense soon. Then she’d feel compelled to be his hero and reunite him with his best friend.
Once upon a time, Wilson would have felt guilty for even considering yelling at Cameron. But now she was his second choice for venting his House-related anger. She’d been getting on his last nerve for some time now. Wilson had refused to examine the reasons for his sudden hostility before Amber, and he’d be damned if was going to start now.
Wilson’s explosion, when it came, was actually at the most likely target, but the one he’d least wanted to confront.
House was waiting for him in his office when he rolled into work at some ungodly hour on a Saturday morning. Years of habit made Wilson automatically note the shadows both beneath and behind those startlingly blue eyes. The grief he saw there, and his own reaction to it, just made Wilson angrier. Before he could even think about his carefully planned outburst, Wilson was screaming every vicious, ugly thought he’d ever kept to himself at the man he’d always loved best.
House just stood there, leaning more heavily on his cane than usual, and took it all. His only reaction was an occasional flinch when Wilson said something particularly harsh or true. They were often the same thing.
When Wilson ran down House reached out and placed his left hand against Wilson’s cheek. He gently swiped his thumb under Wilson’s eye, wiping away the tears Wilson hadn’t even notice he was crying. Then the older man limped out of the office, never having said a word.
Stage Three: Bargaining
His anger spent in such a horrifyingly spectacular manner, Wilson tried very hard to force the third step. But he didn’t know what to bargain for. He couldn’t bargain for Amber not to be dead. He wasn’t House; he expected most of the people with whom he came into contact to die sooner rather than later. He’d long since come to terms with the fact of life that was death.
He tried bargaining for the pain to go away, promised to work harder and give more of himself if the terrifying numbness, punctuated by breathtaking agony, would just stop. It didn’t work, but he never really expected it to. He didn’t really believe he deserved anything better. He never had, which is why he’d bounced from broken marriage to broken marriage instead of reaching for the one thing he wanted most.
Again, his own thought process startled him. What was this thing he wanted that he thought he didn’t deserve? His mind shied away, and Wilson frowned in puzzlement at his inability to bring the errant thought in line. He’d almost caught it when House came into his office.
His froze like a trapped animal. Wilson hadn’t seen House, even in passing, since his outburst weeks ago. He stared at his (former?) best friend and braced himself for the tirade he knew he deserved.
House opened his mouth, reconsidered, and started again. “I’d trade if I could. If God was any kind of fair, he’d have taken me and let you keep Cut…Amber. And I’m sorry I can’t just switch and make it right.”
“You don’t believe in God,” Wilson noted automatically.
House nodded in acknowledgment. “Even so.”
With that, House slowly limped away again. Stupidly, Wilson focused on the limp. It looked more pronounced than usual. He latched onto this observation in a desperate attempt at stopping the images House’s words had evoked.
It was too late for that. His imagination was gleefully conjuring images of House’s broken and bloody body lying forgotten in a deserted bus. He tried focusing on the imaginary Amber whole and beautiful beside him, but all he saw was the body. If possible, his grief intensified at even the imaginary loss of his friend.
And with a whimper, Wilson slipped into depression.
Stage Four: Depression
House’s words replayed themselves often in Wilson’s head. It was just like House to drop-kick him into the next stage of grief with only three sentences.
The bitch of the matter was that Wilson himself had never once considered making that kind of bargain. Not even at the height of his anger would he have considered exchanging House’s life for Amber. The loss of Amber was a gaping hole in his heart. The loss of House would have removed the organ completely.
Even worse, Wilson knew that to lose House that way would have meant the loss of Amber as well. If House had died in that bus accident while Amber was safely ensconced in her car or their home, it would have been the end of them. They never would have survived the blame he would have heaped upon her for not answering House’s call.
And that depressed the hell out of him. He’d truly loved Amber, and it could have finally been forever. But he wouldn’t have her at House’s expense. What did that say about him and his ability to give himself to someone he’d thought he’d loved unconditionally?
When he asked his therapist that question, she suggested he focus on what it said about his stupid, screwed up friendship. Those weren’t her exact words, but he got the idea. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to realize, but he did come to the conclusion that the loss of Amber didn’t have to equal the loss of House, not if he didn’t let it.
Stage Five: Acceptance
Of course, grief didn’t really fit into nice little boxes he could tick off as they passed. His depression often slipped back into denial or bargaining. Either one of those inevitably lead back to anger, and sometimes Wilson thought he’d never feel truly level again.
But one day he woke up and didn’t automatically reach out expecting to find a sleep-warm body next to him. One day Kutner told the story of Amber’s pied-piper con, and Wilson laughed with no pain. One day he wandered into House’s office looking for a consult and left with a lunch partner.
One day he glanced across a couch and discovered the ability to love again. And one day love looked back.
The complete list of my House fic can be found here. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled fluff.
Fandom: House
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship/pre-slash
Rating: PG for a couple naughty words
Summary: sometimes Wilson thought he’d never feel truly level again.
Note: Here's the second Wilson's Heart tag the evil plot bunnies gave me. The title is the definition of grief according to Dictionary.com
Sharp Sorrow, Painful Regret
Stage One: Denial
The part of Wilson that could observe his emotions with detachment was utterly surprised at the form his first step of grief had taken. As a doctor, Wilson would have expected (as if one could ever expect such a thing) that he would skip denial altogether. Instead, his brain reached for the oldest cliché in the book.
He - no it, his stupid brain - thought this must all be some elaborate joke that House and Amber were pulling on him. Or maybe they really were having an affair, and this was their cover. But that was just a knee-jerk reaction, and he quickly got past it. Selfish and thoughtless though they were, it wasn’t really possible that the two people he cared for most in the world would be so deliberately cruel. Not to him anyway.
And then there was the fact of his profession. He couldn’t possibly misdiagnose death. And on the off-chance that he might, there was always a second opinion from the genius in the office next door.
The option of denying death yanked away so cleanly, Wilson focused on denying other things. He denied repeatedly - to Cuddy and Henry, to Cameron and Chase, to Foreman and Taub, and to Thirteen and Kutner - that he was avoiding his best friend. He couldn’t deny it to the man himself, because he never saw House. He told himself that it wasn’t avoidance: he was just very busy. There were lots of things he was dealing with, like Amber’s affairs, moving, and watching over House’s care from afar.
The stupidity of that thought led Wilson to his first breakthrough; he’d been in denial about his anger toward House. His therapist would be so proud.
Stage Two: Anger
Anger was much more fun. There was no room for pain or regret with all-consuming anger running the show. He almost relished the chance to tell off the first person who tried to talk to him about his House avoidance. He stayed up at night rehearsing his outburst. He hoped it was Cuddy who approached him, maybe she would fire him and he could walk away from his life. There wasn’t much about it he wanted anymore anyway.
Of course, Cameron was probably a slightly more likely candidate. Her relationship with Chase (the poor bastard) not withstanding, her feelings for House were probably going to override her commonsense soon. Then she’d feel compelled to be his hero and reunite him with his best friend.
Once upon a time, Wilson would have felt guilty for even considering yelling at Cameron. But now she was his second choice for venting his House-related anger. She’d been getting on his last nerve for some time now. Wilson had refused to examine the reasons for his sudden hostility before Amber, and he’d be damned if was going to start now.
Wilson’s explosion, when it came, was actually at the most likely target, but the one he’d least wanted to confront.
House was waiting for him in his office when he rolled into work at some ungodly hour on a Saturday morning. Years of habit made Wilson automatically note the shadows both beneath and behind those startlingly blue eyes. The grief he saw there, and his own reaction to it, just made Wilson angrier. Before he could even think about his carefully planned outburst, Wilson was screaming every vicious, ugly thought he’d ever kept to himself at the man he’d always loved best.
House just stood there, leaning more heavily on his cane than usual, and took it all. His only reaction was an occasional flinch when Wilson said something particularly harsh or true. They were often the same thing.
When Wilson ran down House reached out and placed his left hand against Wilson’s cheek. He gently swiped his thumb under Wilson’s eye, wiping away the tears Wilson hadn’t even notice he was crying. Then the older man limped out of the office, never having said a word.
Stage Three: Bargaining
His anger spent in such a horrifyingly spectacular manner, Wilson tried very hard to force the third step. But he didn’t know what to bargain for. He couldn’t bargain for Amber not to be dead. He wasn’t House; he expected most of the people with whom he came into contact to die sooner rather than later. He’d long since come to terms with the fact of life that was death.
He tried bargaining for the pain to go away, promised to work harder and give more of himself if the terrifying numbness, punctuated by breathtaking agony, would just stop. It didn’t work, but he never really expected it to. He didn’t really believe he deserved anything better. He never had, which is why he’d bounced from broken marriage to broken marriage instead of reaching for the one thing he wanted most.
Again, his own thought process startled him. What was this thing he wanted that he thought he didn’t deserve? His mind shied away, and Wilson frowned in puzzlement at his inability to bring the errant thought in line. He’d almost caught it when House came into his office.
His froze like a trapped animal. Wilson hadn’t seen House, even in passing, since his outburst weeks ago. He stared at his (former?) best friend and braced himself for the tirade he knew he deserved.
House opened his mouth, reconsidered, and started again. “I’d trade if I could. If God was any kind of fair, he’d have taken me and let you keep Cut…Amber. And I’m sorry I can’t just switch and make it right.”
“You don’t believe in God,” Wilson noted automatically.
House nodded in acknowledgment. “Even so.”
With that, House slowly limped away again. Stupidly, Wilson focused on the limp. It looked more pronounced than usual. He latched onto this observation in a desperate attempt at stopping the images House’s words had evoked.
It was too late for that. His imagination was gleefully conjuring images of House’s broken and bloody body lying forgotten in a deserted bus. He tried focusing on the imaginary Amber whole and beautiful beside him, but all he saw was the body. If possible, his grief intensified at even the imaginary loss of his friend.
And with a whimper, Wilson slipped into depression.
Stage Four: Depression
House’s words replayed themselves often in Wilson’s head. It was just like House to drop-kick him into the next stage of grief with only three sentences.
The bitch of the matter was that Wilson himself had never once considered making that kind of bargain. Not even at the height of his anger would he have considered exchanging House’s life for Amber. The loss of Amber was a gaping hole in his heart. The loss of House would have removed the organ completely.
Even worse, Wilson knew that to lose House that way would have meant the loss of Amber as well. If House had died in that bus accident while Amber was safely ensconced in her car or their home, it would have been the end of them. They never would have survived the blame he would have heaped upon her for not answering House’s call.
And that depressed the hell out of him. He’d truly loved Amber, and it could have finally been forever. But he wouldn’t have her at House’s expense. What did that say about him and his ability to give himself to someone he’d thought he’d loved unconditionally?
When he asked his therapist that question, she suggested he focus on what it said about his stupid, screwed up friendship. Those weren’t her exact words, but he got the idea. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to realize, but he did come to the conclusion that the loss of Amber didn’t have to equal the loss of House, not if he didn’t let it.
Stage Five: Acceptance
Of course, grief didn’t really fit into nice little boxes he could tick off as they passed. His depression often slipped back into denial or bargaining. Either one of those inevitably lead back to anger, and sometimes Wilson thought he’d never feel truly level again.
But one day he woke up and didn’t automatically reach out expecting to find a sleep-warm body next to him. One day Kutner told the story of Amber’s pied-piper con, and Wilson laughed with no pain. One day he wandered into House’s office looking for a consult and left with a lunch partner.
One day he glanced across a couch and discovered the ability to love again. And one day love looked back.
The complete list of my House fic can be found here. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled fluff.
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 04:56 am (UTC)Oh.
It's angst, but it's beautiful. *snif*
no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 05:12 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked it. What a wonderful compliment. I hope your day has improved.
I promise I have two happy, fluffy pieces all lined up. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 05:21 am (UTC)I was just gonna comment on your lj that I think it's great that you write 1000 words every night. I write everyday, but sometimes I'm like "100 words? Good enough for now."
I haven't even started yet tonight. It's a good thing I have the late shift tomorrow!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 05:26 am (UTC):-) Good luck on the writing tonight!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 06:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 12:42 pm (UTC)beautiful fic. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 01:46 pm (UTC)"They never would have survived the blame he would have heaped upon her for not answering House’s call."
I never thought of that scenerio before!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:30 am (UTC)*edited for icon
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 03:51 am (UTC)AMEN! I agree completely, but I think we are in the minority. Because House has behaved like such an ass in the past, I think people have all of his faults stored up on Wilson's behalf and this was the final straw. Now he is supposed to kiss Wilson's ass for the one thing that wasn't his fault. I hate that! I have hope in the show's writers, though. They aren't big on Wilson behaving like an emo, so I doubt House will really have to beg too much to restore the friendship. At least I hope not. It's not like it was ever functional to begin with, eh? And House is all he has got left now!
I love all the angsty fics people are coming up with. Even the ones that hurt like hell, but I doubt they will ever become canon. I think the finale was about as bad as it will get, and they will go back to the norm. If they were ever going to dive into Wilson's pain, it should have been during the Tritter arc, not over a girl he has known for a month. (Even a cool chick like Amber!)
I see Wilson and House as functioning on a very precarious balance of non-communication. It's a mess, but it's endearing as hell, and I'd hate to see that formula change. If they start gushing at one another like they do in the fics, it might not go over so well for the show.I know I would miss the subtlety the writers have exhibited so far. All the secret glances and unspoken words make it work for me. They have a very roundabout way of loving one another and even though it drives me mad at times, I am hooked!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-29 04:03 am (UTC)I think you're right about next season, and I certainly hope so. I hate it when the show makes House and Wilson fight. Wilson is my personal 'entrance' into the show. He's the one I identify with and I really feel like I can forgive House anything b/c Wilson can forgive House anything.
I actually am not a big fan of angst. (Not b/c it's not wonderfully done, but b/c I'm a happy-ending kind of gal) So I was surprised when I was hit by not one, but two, story ideas for Wilson's Heart. I normally write fluff, but I think (hope!) I manage to keep it subtle and snarky and in character.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 04:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 07:14 pm (UTC)This is really lovely -- a very, very nice take on the classic "Five Stages." An excellent read, and one that I will remember.
You have a tiny little typo, here:
His only reaction was an occasion flinch when Wilson said something particularly harsh or true.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:17 am (UTC)And thanks for the catch. I even read it aloud to myself and missed it!
::fixes::
no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 08:43 pm (UTC)I loved this. It's sad, bittersweet and hopeful. I like your Wilson's voice and that despite his sorrows he's still sarcastic, cynic and reasonable inside his own head. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-24 09:51 pm (UTC)That was really great. *sobs*
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 03:21 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked and flattered it affected you.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 04:51 am (UTC)And yes, Henry is the old guy from the start of season 4. Nickname Scooter. Supposedly, Wilson was going to set up a job for him at the hospital once House had to fire him for not being a real doctor. I really liked him and I needed another name to balance out the list. I can be anal like that...
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 04:56 am (UTC)I think I read a fic where House was hanging out with him and Wilson got jealous -slashy. Can't remember who wrote it, though.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-25 05:10 am (UTC)I don't think I've read that one, but
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Date: 2008-07-25 05:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-24 01:51 am (UTC)I loved the 'Acceptance' part, it was just a wonderful way to wrap everything up :d
You can bet I'll be checking out that list of all your House fics, too!
<3
no subject
Date: 2008-08-24 03:14 am (UTC)I'm so glad you found my stuff. Have fun!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-24 10:14 pm (UTC)I have bookmarked your list of House fic because I know I'll be rereading them again and again. Keep writing!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-25 02:03 am (UTC)Yes, canon is a lot like the Pirate Code: they're more like guidelines than actual rules. I've been avoiding season 5 spoilers, but just from fic summaries and icons (for goodness sake) I know too much about the new season and it's disturbing me. House got drunk, called a friend for a ride, and then left his cane. None of that was malicious or caused the bus accident.
Sorry for the mini-rant. I'm a little worried the writer's are gonna mess up my show. I do hope they give Wilson that smack upside the head. He's my favorite character anad I live in fear they're going to take him away from me.
That is high praise indeed; thank you so much. I have a feeling the new season will inspire me to new heights of fluff out of self-preservation.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-21 06:29 pm (UTC)thank you
no subject
Date: 2008-09-21 10:44 pm (UTC)